By Lian Brook-Tyler
This is another shadow voice that’s made itself known very clearly lately.
Interestingly, or rather – magically, this is growing louder just after my last initiation into Father Sky, who brings the truth serum from Above.
The rich irony of this shadow voice is that I’m painfully, horribly, triggeringly honest (as my family, my team and our students will tell you).
Side note: one of our Sovereigns was just laughing about how much she’s been triggered by me this week and quoted something I’d said about her. I told her I was writing this post about my triggering honesty and she said “You have permission to use it as long as you don’t tell everyone who the brunette angry hopeless weakling is.” There’s context to me calling her that, it’s not *quite* as awful as it sounds but still, it’s a good example of what I mean.
A dear friend calls it my “autistic purity”.
And she’s right.
As many autistic people will be nodding their heads in agreement with – it *costs* me excruciatingly to even tell the whitest of lies or half (really ⅘) truth.
If I feel I’ve accidentally omitted a detail or hyped something too sound even a tiny bit better or worse than it is, it gnaws away at my soul to the point where I will want to go back and correct myself – which then sounds ridiculous because to most people it’s an inconsequential detail.
Or if I’ve said something and it feels like it could be too amazing to believe, I’ll want to share evidence that the thing really happened.
This shadow is one I haven’t been able to fully trace the source of and it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes we know the wound, sometimes we don’t – we have the opportunity to work with it either way.
The invitation it provides is to visit it fully, discover all its hidden rooms, and feel deep appreciation for its good intention to keep us safe.
So I’m soaking now in the experience that you might be reading this and think I’m lying, and worse, lying about my honesty. I’m drinking it in, I’m noticing when fear causes me to gag, and I’m following it up with a chaser of love.
The truth is, I’m becoming ready to move beyond it.
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